A Celebration of Men on Father’s Day

​I love men.  (There, I said it.)  Since June is Men’s Health Month and we are hours away from Father’s Day, it seems fitting to celebrate some of the common traits shared by the many good men in the world.  

The internet was recently on fire with the bear vs. man debate.  The videos and memes were thought provoking - as good art should be - but also sad on a couple of levels.  First, the thought that so many women agreed with a stereotype of men was disappointing, and the thought that many of them likely have unresolved pain from a relationship with a male in their lives was heartbreaking.  I get it.  I’ve been there.  Got the tee shirt, got the trauma.  

Secondly, it was sad that many women have not had the experience of a positive relationship with a healthy, strong man - one who would have fought the bear and sacrificed himself to protect her.   

Men communicate differently than women do, and that can lead to frustration for some women.  My brothers thought it was hilarious the first time they shared the It’s Not About the Nail video with me.   The joke’s on them, though, as I have used it in sessions to demonstrate the differences between communication styles between men and women.  

While women speak to be heard and solve the problem through the discussion, men are short and to the point.  They don’t need a lot of words to get the job done.  Their nature is to fix the problem for us, and they can get just as frustrated when we don’t get it.   This misunderstanding seems to be at the heart of conflicts surrounding mansplaining.  Men appear confident by nature (even if they don’t feel that way on the inside).  That, combined with their desire to be helpful, is where the solutions come in.  And let’s be honest, don’t we all stereotype each other all the time?  (Answer: Yes, we do.  It’s how the brain operates efficiently, and is called heuristics.) 

Men identify as providers.  They feel good about themselves when they work to support us, whether that provision is financial, child-rearing and home duties, or the typically manly fishing and hunting for food.  That, of course, doesn’t mean that they want to do everything on their own.  They, too, are looking for a partner in life to share the responsibilities.  

One of the most admirable and rarely mentioned attributes of men is their uncomplaining stoicism in the face of hardship.  We women tend to want to talk things out immediately and thoroughly, but we can gain considerable harmony in our relationships if we can honor our partners’ natural inclination to mull things over to figure out their own solutions before jumping in with all the words.  That’s how men support each other - by giving each other the respect and the space to figure things out on their own.  They seem to know instinctively when it’s acceptable to offer a helping hand to other men and when it’s not.  

Perhaps most importantly, fathers are vital to the well being of children.  They play a much different role than mothers do in raising children, but an equally valid one.  Children raised with their fathers have better cognitive development, fewer behavioral problems, better physical health, greater empathy as adults, higher academic achievement, higher standards of living, and less depression (boys) than do those children raised without fathers (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405).

Some disagree with this, citing the Fragile Families and Child Well Being Study (FFCWS) and arguing that family stability is more important than the involvement of a father to child well-being.   However, the study fails to account for the likelihood that the presence of a father significantly contributes to family stability.  This includes a reduction in stress of the mothers.  

FFCWS further erroneously attributes poorer outcomes in parents-married families to abusive fathers, without similarly weighting the effects of abusive mothers.  An additional flaw is the emphasis on nurturing, faulting fathers for being less nurturing than mothers, whereas in reality, fathers fulfill a different but equally important role with their unique parenting style.   For example, imagine a child injures himself on the playground.  While mothers’ consoling is important when a child receives a booboo on the playground, so are the fathers’ more verbal reassurance, which helps children develop self-soothing skills and a sense of self competence.  These skills are some of the keys to building resilience and long term good mental health.  

Fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives is not only vital, but the more involved and the better quality of involvement they have, the better the outcomes for the children (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405).  Researchers found many positive outcomes, including but not limited to the aforementioned cognitive development, empathy, and behavioral outcomes, but also more prosocial behavior, greater social responsibility, higher self-esteem, social maturity, life skills, and higher occupational achievement in adulthood.  
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So let’s celebrate men today, and all the ways they enrich our lives!  This post is dedicated especially to my favorite alpha male, my beloved, Frank.  He is the poet with the heart of a warrior who stepped in to raise daughters whom he did not father.  He found me as a single Mom with a broken heart and selflessly packed up his life and moved to our state to be our shield.  He never complains, but kills all the spiders, changes the oil in all the cars, rescues us when we have flat tires (without scolding us for not checking before we left) and fights off all the bears.  I pick you, Frank.  I pick you.  

Wilson, K. R., & Prior, M. R. (2011). Father involvement and child well‐being. Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 47(7), 405-407. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxylocal.library.nova.edu/10.1111/j.1440-1754.2010.01770.x

Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC.  You can read more about her here. 

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