Image credit: Fostering Forever ![]() Congratulations on adding to your family! Nothing compares to the joy of being a parent - but as we parents know, there are moments when we feel inadequate to the task. When we adopt from foster care, there are resources we can access, at little to no cost to the family. First Things First While adoption day is a significant and joyful milestone in a family’s life, it can be bittersweet for the child. Yes, they are “officially” a member of the family, but they are also re-experiencing the loss of their biological family. Depending on the age of the child, developmental level, the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) they’ve had, and the number of placements they have been in before the adoption, they may have mixed feelings that are expressed behaviorally. Even children adopted at birth may later express feelings of loss, as they had a bond with their biological parents while in the womb. Each time your child was removed from one home and placed in another, they experienced trauma. This is magnified exponentially with each new placement, and is a major contributor to the Foster Care to Prison Pipeline. Common Challenges Traumatized children communicate through their behavior, and yes, that includes teens. Parents sometimes express concern that a well-behaved child has “suddenly” become very poorly behaved when they hit the teen years. This is to be expected, and can be planned for and handled sensitively to guide the child into improved behavior. Some common challenges with kids who have been in foster care are:
Fortunately, with the loving support of parents and knowledgeable counselors, our children can and do make it through these challenges, avoid the pipeline, and become healthy adults. What Do We Do? You may have heard the Nigerian expression “It takes a village to raise a child”, and in this case, it’s certainly helpful to have a supportive community. Parents, however, are the key to success. This is not a situation in which parents can drop a child off for an hour of counseling every week and expect everything to be okay. This is the type of situation in which parenting becomes the remedy. Your effort is a major key to your child’s success. With that understanding, here are my top tips for parenting children who have been traumatized through the foster care system. N.B. This is not a comprehensive list, and is not a substitute for professional mental health counseling.
The most important thing is to put in the time doing the things that will help your child get through these rough patches. Parenting, especially of traumatized children, is different and often not instinctual like we expect it will be before we become parents. Be open to advice from professionals, be patient (it takes time!), and enjoy the experience. You’re building history. Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.
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