Adopted from Foster Care: Tips for Parents

Image credit: Fostering Forever

Congratulations on adding to your family!  Nothing compares to the joy of being a parent - but as we parents know, there are moments when we feel inadequate to the task.  When we adopt from foster care, there are resources we can access, at little to no cost to the family.  


First Things First

While adoption day is a significant and joyful milestone in a family’s life, it can be bittersweet for the child.  Yes, they are “officially” a member of the family, but they are also re-experiencing the loss of their biological family.  Depending on the age of the child, developmental level, the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) they’ve had, and the number of placements they have been in before the adoption, they may have mixed feelings that are expressed behaviorally.  Even children adopted at birth may later express feelings of loss, as they had a bond with their biological parents while in the womb. 

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Each time your child was removed from one home and placed in another, they experienced trauma.  This is magnified exponentially with each new placement, and is a major contributor to the Foster Care to Prison Pipeline.  

Common Challenges

Traumatized children communicate through their behavior, and yes, that includes teens.  Parents sometimes express concern that a well-behaved child has “suddenly” become very poorly behaved when they hit the teen years.  This is to be expected, and can be planned for and handled sensitively to guide the child into improved behavior.

Some common challenges with kids who have been in foster care are:

• Lying
• Stealing (especially food)
• Collecting small items
• Bedwetting
• Defiance
• Emotional outbursts

Fortunately, with the loving support of parents and knowledgeable counselors, our children can and do make it through these challenges, avoid the pipeline, and become healthy adults.  
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What Do We Do?
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You may have heard the Nigerian expression “It takes a village to raise a child”, and in this case, it’s certainly helpful to have a supportive community.   Parents, however, are the key to success.  This is not a situation in which parents can drop a child off for an hour of counseling every week and expect everything to be okay.  This is the type of situation in which parenting becomes the remedy.  Your effort is a major key to your child’s success.  With that understanding, here are my top tips for parenting children who have been traumatized through the foster care system.  N.B. This is not a comprehensive list, and is not a substitute for professional mental health counseling. 
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• Contact your Post Adoption Case Manager for assistance.
• Find a Mental Health Counselor, preferably one who is Adoption Competency certified, and begin services.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff - keep the rules to a couple of safety issues only, depending on age and developmental level of the child.  Creating a long list of rules is self-defeating and sends the wrong message to the child.  
• Do keep a basket or drawer full of snacks that your child can help themselves to at any time, day or night, with no repercussions.  Keep it stocked. 
• Do constantly build the relationship by spending significant quality time with your child (this can include doing tasks together, such as cooking the family meal, as well as fun time).  Your mental health counselor can advise you on activities that enhance bonding/attachment that are appropriate to your child’s age and developmental level.  
• Do learn what’s normal teenage behavior.  Sassy comments, testing limits, and “rejecting” parents are all part of the normal developmental process and are not cause for alarm.  Biological children do this, too!
• Do get your child involved in sports, clubs, or other activities that he/she enjoys.  This directs their energy in a positive direction and builds their sense of community.  
• Do not prevent your child from attending activities or participating in holidays or friends’ birthdays as a punishment. 
• Do use praise to highlight your child’s efforts, not results.  Example:  “I noticed how well you took notes in math, and did your homework without being asked.  I’m so proud of you for working so hard!” 
• Do allow your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions when they have made a bad choice.  

The most important thing is to put in the time doing the things that will help your child get through these rough patches.  Parenting, especially of traumatized children, is different and often not instinctual like we expect it will be before we become parents.  Be open to advice from professionals, be patient (it takes time!), and enjoy the experience.  You’re building history.  
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Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC.  You can read more about her here. 

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