 I love men. (There, I said it.) Since June is Men’s Health Month and we are hours away from Father’s Day, it seems fitting to celebrate some of the common traits shared by the many good men in the world.
The internet was recently on fire with the bear vs. man debate. The videos and memes were thought provoking - as good art should be - but also sad on a couple of levels. First, the thought that so many women agreed with a stereotype of men was disappointing, and the thought that many of them likely have unresolved pain from a relationship with a male in their lives was heartbreaking. I get it. I’ve been there. Got the tee shirt, got the trauma. Secondly, it was sad that many women have not had the experience of a positive relationship with a healthy, strong man - one who would have fought the bear and sacrificed himself to protect her. Men communicate differently than women do, and that can lead to frustration for some women. My brothers thought it was hilarious the first time they shared the It’s Not About the Nail video with me. The joke’s on them, though, as I have used it in sessions to demonstrate the differences between communication styles between men and women. While women speak to be heard and solve the problem through the discussion, men are short and to the point. They don’t need a lot of words to get the job done. Their nature is to fix the problem for us, and they can get just as frustrated when we don’t get it. This misunderstanding seems to be at the heart of conflicts surrounding mansplaining. Men appear confident by nature (even if they don’t feel that way on the inside). That, combined with their desire to be helpful, is where the solutions come in. And let’s be honest, don’t we all stereotype each other all the time? (Answer: Yes, we do. It’s how the brain operates efficiently, and is called heuristics.) Men identify as providers. They feel good about themselves when they work to support us, whether that provision is financial, child-rearing and home duties, or the typically manly fishing and hunting for food. That, of course, doesn’t mean that they want to do everything on their own. They, too, are looking for a partner in life to share the responsibilities. One of the most admirable and rarely mentioned attributes of men is their uncomplaining stoicism in the face of hardship. We women tend to want to talk things out immediately and thoroughly, but we can gain considerable harmony in our relationships if we can honor our partners’ natural inclination to mull things over to figure out their own solutions before jumping in with all the words. That’s how men support each other - by giving each other the respect and the space to figure things out on their own. They seem to know instinctively when it’s acceptable to offer a helping hand to other men and when it’s not. Perhaps most importantly, fathers are vital to the well being of children. They play a much different role than mothers do in raising children, but an equally valid one. Children raised with their fathers have better cognitive development, fewer behavioral problems, better physical health, greater empathy as adults, higher academic achievement, higher standards of living, and less depression (boys) than do those children raised without fathers (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405). Some disagree with this, citing the Fragile Families and Child Well Being Study (FFCWS) and arguing that family stability is more important than the involvement of a father to child well-being. However, the study fails to account for the likelihood that the presence of a father significantly contributes to family stability. This includes a reduction in stress of the mothers. FFCWS further erroneously attributes poorer outcomes in parents-married families to abusive fathers, without similarly weighting the effects of abusive mothers. An additional flaw is the emphasis on nurturing, faulting fathers for being less nurturing than mothers, whereas in reality, fathers fulfill a different but equally important role with their unique parenting style. For example, imagine a child injures himself on the playground. While mothers’ consoling is important when a child receives a booboo on the playground, so are the fathers’ more verbal reassurance, which helps children develop self-soothing skills and a sense of self competence. These skills are some of the keys to building resilience and long term good mental health. Fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives is not only vital, but the more involved and the better quality of involvement they have, the better the outcomes for the children (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405). Researchers found many positive outcomes, including but not limited to the aforementioned cognitive development, empathy, and behavioral outcomes, but also more prosocial behavior, greater social responsibility, higher self-esteem, social maturity, life skills, and higher occupational achievement in adulthood. So let’s celebrate men today, and all the ways they enrich our lives! This post is dedicated especially to my favorite alpha male, my beloved, Frank. He is the poet with the heart of a warrior who stepped in to raise daughters whom he did not father. He found me as a single Mom with a broken heart and selflessly packed up his life and moved to our state to be our shield. He never complains, but kills all the spiders, changes the oil in all the cars, rescues us when we have flat tires (without scolding us for not checking before we left) and fights off all the bears. I pick you, Frank. I pick you. Wilson, K. R., & Prior, M. R. (2011). Father involvement and child well‐being. Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 47(7), 405-407. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxylocal.library.nova.edu/10.1111/j.1440-1754.2010.01770.x Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.
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  Buckle up, friends. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. In what is likely to be a rematch between Donald Trump and Joe Biden in the upcoming Presidential election, many people have a sense of dread or anxiety regarding what will happen in the next several months. Here are some useful DOs and DON’Ts for surviving the pre-and post- election season with your sanity - and your relationships - intact. Along with the list above, remember that it’s not ultimately about the red or the blue. It’s about the red, white, AND blue. By managing our emotions, keeping an open mind and loving heart, and honestly seeking solutions, we can get through this as Americans always have - indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Brief list of primary sources to review: Home | Donald J. Trump (donaldjtrump.com) Joe Biden for President: Official Campaign Website Congressional Record | Congress.gov | Library of Congress Republican National Committee | GOP We are the Democratic Party - Democrats Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here. 
 You’ve seen the memes. Gen X is arguably the last generation to be locked out of the house on a summer day because they “kept going in and out”. They were the last to play outside all day and only come home when it got dark or when hungry. They could play Cowboys and Indians with real cap guns and no fear of offending anyone. And they pioneered mainstreaming new technology. So what is it about Gen X that makes them the (mostly) uncomplaining “in-betweeners” of the Boomers and Millennials/Gen Z? Better yet, why are Gen Xers better able to understand younger generations than their Boomer parents, and better able to manage distress to maintain good mental health than their Millenial/Gen Z offspring? (Don’t worry, other generations: articles about your strengths are forthcoming.) The short answers are resiliency, internal locus of control, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution skills.
These four items are often included as foci in modern mental health counseling services. When clients learn these types of skills, they often have better relationships (not just romantic!), are more able to navigate the complicated social systems of the workplace, and experience an improvement in overall mood. This is likely due to the empowerment and confidence that knowing what to do, when to do it, and recalling past successes provide. So, Boomers, what can you learn from Gen X about mental health? You’ve watched them grow, so you likely already know that stifling the expression of emotions can lead to mental health and relationship issues. Try risking some vulnerability and talking about your fears to your children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. If you feel that you need to give advice, do it in the form of asking questions, which is perceived as less annoying to the younger generations who might feel they need to be perfect to earn your approval. Involve them in your hobbies or join them in theirs to increase bonding and attachment without the pressure of trying to say the right thing. Millennials and Gen Z, what is your take away? Hopefully, you’ll be less judgemental of older generations and understand that they are loving you the best way they know how. Try something brave by taking the initiative to resolve a small issue you’re having without pointing blame or letting your emotions get the better of you. I’m looking at you, anxiety and depression. Yes, it’s hard, and people sometimes say hurtful things - but the more you succeed, the more your confidence will increase. Also, be okay with disagreement. The most important diversity we have is diversity of thought. Try explaining your points calmly with more facts and evidence, and less emotionality. Older generations will receive the messages better and may surprise you with a change of opinion. Ask them for advice about a problem you’re having. It makes them feel needed and respected by you, and as your generation knows well, we must first give respect if we want to have respect. With all generations, it’s important to ask for help when things become too much to handle on your own. Just because we have good skills and good support systems does not mean we can always survive a flood of trouble without professional help. Stay tuned for upcoming profiles of your generation’s mental health strengths! Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here. |
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