 When therapy doesn’t work, (or when counseling doesn’t work), it can feel hopeless. We turn to professionals for help, but we’re not feeling any better. What can you do to fix it? With a little time and these tips, you can refocus with your current therapist, or pick a new counselor.
6 steps to make counseling work:
With these six steps, most of us can select and work with a Counselor who fits our personality and respects our values. The most important thing to remember, though, is to talk to your Counselor if something isn’t working. A good Counselor is open to feedback and adapting to meet your needs. As always, if you’re in Florida and would like to learn how to not just survive, but to thrive in a toxic environment, please contact us.
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 I love men. (There, I said it.) Since June is Men’s Health Month and we are hours away from Father’s Day, it seems fitting to celebrate some of the common traits shared by the many good men in the world.
The internet was recently on fire with the bear vs. man debate. The videos and memes were thought provoking - as good art should be - but also sad on a couple of levels. First, the thought that so many women agreed with a stereotype of men was disappointing, and the thought that many of them likely have unresolved pain from a relationship with a male in their lives was heartbreaking. I get it. I’ve been there. Got the tee shirt, got the trauma. Secondly, it was sad that many women have not had the experience of a positive relationship with a healthy, strong man - one who would have fought the bear and sacrificed himself to protect her. Men communicate differently than women do, and that can lead to frustration for some women. My brothers thought it was hilarious the first time they shared the It’s Not About the Nail video with me. The joke’s on them, though, as I have used it in sessions to demonstrate the differences between communication styles between men and women. While women speak to be heard and solve the problem through the discussion, men are short and to the point. They don’t need a lot of words to get the job done. Their nature is to fix the problem for us, and they can get just as frustrated when we don’t get it. This misunderstanding seems to be at the heart of conflicts surrounding mansplaining. Men appear confident by nature (even if they don’t feel that way on the inside). That, combined with their desire to be helpful, is where the solutions come in. And let’s be honest, don’t we all stereotype each other all the time? (Answer: Yes, we do. It’s how the brain operates efficiently, and is called heuristics.) Men identify as providers. They feel good about themselves when they work to support us, whether that provision is financial, child-rearing and home duties, or the typically manly fishing and hunting for food. That, of course, doesn’t mean that they want to do everything on their own. They, too, are looking for a partner in life to share the responsibilities. One of the most admirable and rarely mentioned attributes of men is their uncomplaining stoicism in the face of hardship. We women tend to want to talk things out immediately and thoroughly, but we can gain considerable harmony in our relationships if we can honor our partners’ natural inclination to mull things over to figure out their own solutions before jumping in with all the words. That’s how men support each other - by giving each other the respect and the space to figure things out on their own. They seem to know instinctively when it’s acceptable to offer a helping hand to other men and when it’s not. Perhaps most importantly, fathers are vital to the well being of children. They play a much different role than mothers do in raising children, but an equally valid one. Children raised with their fathers have better cognitive development, fewer behavioral problems, better physical health, greater empathy as adults, higher academic achievement, higher standards of living, and less depression (boys) than do those children raised without fathers (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405). Some disagree with this, citing the Fragile Families and Child Well Being Study (FFCWS) and arguing that family stability is more important than the involvement of a father to child well-being. However, the study fails to account for the likelihood that the presence of a father significantly contributes to family stability. This includes a reduction in stress of the mothers. FFCWS further erroneously attributes poorer outcomes in parents-married families to abusive fathers, without similarly weighting the effects of abusive mothers. An additional flaw is the emphasis on nurturing, faulting fathers for being less nurturing than mothers, whereas in reality, fathers fulfill a different but equally important role with their unique parenting style. For example, imagine a child injures himself on the playground. While mothers’ consoling is important when a child receives a booboo on the playground, so are the fathers’ more verbal reassurance, which helps children develop self-soothing skills and a sense of self competence. These skills are some of the keys to building resilience and long term good mental health. Fathers’ involvement in their children’s lives is not only vital, but the more involved and the better quality of involvement they have, the better the outcomes for the children (Wilson & Prior, 2011, p. 405). Researchers found many positive outcomes, including but not limited to the aforementioned cognitive development, empathy, and behavioral outcomes, but also more prosocial behavior, greater social responsibility, higher self-esteem, social maturity, life skills, and higher occupational achievement in adulthood. So let’s celebrate men today, and all the ways they enrich our lives! This post is dedicated especially to my favorite alpha male, my beloved, Frank. He is the poet with the heart of a warrior who stepped in to raise daughters whom he did not father. He found me as a single Mom with a broken heart and selflessly packed up his life and moved to our state to be our shield. He never complains, but kills all the spiders, changes the oil in all the cars, rescues us when we have flat tires (without scolding us for not checking before we left) and fights off all the bears. I pick you, Frank. I pick you. Wilson, K. R., & Prior, M. R. (2011). Father involvement and child well‐being. Journal of Paediatrics and Child Health, 47(7), 405-407. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxylocal.library.nova.edu/10.1111/j.1440-1754.2010.01770.x Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.   Buckle up, friends. It’s going to be a bumpy ride. In what is likely to be a rematch between Donald Trump and Joe Biden in the upcoming Presidential election, many people have a sense of dread or anxiety regarding what will happen in the next several months. Here are some useful DOs and DON’Ts for surviving the pre-and post- election season with your sanity - and your relationships - intact. Along with the list above, remember that it’s not ultimately about the red or the blue. It’s about the red, white, AND blue. By managing our emotions, keeping an open mind and loving heart, and honestly seeking solutions, we can get through this as Americans always have - indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. Brief list of primary sources to review: Home | Donald J. Trump (donaldjtrump.com) Joe Biden for President: Official Campaign Website Congressional Record | Congress.gov | Library of Congress Republican National Committee | GOP We are the Democratic Party - Democrats Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here. 
 You’ve seen the memes. Gen X is arguably the last generation to be locked out of the house on a summer day because they “kept going in and out”. They were the last to play outside all day and only come home when it got dark or when hungry. They could play Cowboys and Indians with real cap guns and no fear of offending anyone. And they pioneered mainstreaming new technology. So what is it about Gen X that makes them the (mostly) uncomplaining “in-betweeners” of the Boomers and Millennials/Gen Z? Better yet, why are Gen Xers better able to understand younger generations than their Boomer parents, and better able to manage distress to maintain good mental health than their Millenial/Gen Z offspring? (Don’t worry, other generations: articles about your strengths are forthcoming.) The short answers are resiliency, internal locus of control, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution skills.
These four items are often included as foci in modern mental health counseling services. When clients learn these types of skills, they often have better relationships (not just romantic!), are more able to navigate the complicated social systems of the workplace, and experience an improvement in overall mood. This is likely due to the empowerment and confidence that knowing what to do, when to do it, and recalling past successes provide. So, Boomers, what can you learn from Gen X about mental health? You’ve watched them grow, so you likely already know that stifling the expression of emotions can lead to mental health and relationship issues. Try risking some vulnerability and talking about your fears to your children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. If you feel that you need to give advice, do it in the form of asking questions, which is perceived as less annoying to the younger generations who might feel they need to be perfect to earn your approval. Involve them in your hobbies or join them in theirs to increase bonding and attachment without the pressure of trying to say the right thing. Millennials and Gen Z, what is your take away? Hopefully, you’ll be less judgemental of older generations and understand that they are loving you the best way they know how. Try something brave by taking the initiative to resolve a small issue you’re having without pointing blame or letting your emotions get the better of you. I’m looking at you, anxiety and depression. Yes, it’s hard, and people sometimes say hurtful things - but the more you succeed, the more your confidence will increase. Also, be okay with disagreement. The most important diversity we have is diversity of thought. Try explaining your points calmly with more facts and evidence, and less emotionality. Older generations will receive the messages better and may surprise you with a change of opinion. Ask them for advice about a problem you’re having. It makes them feel needed and respected by you, and as your generation knows well, we must first give respect if we want to have respect. With all generations, it’s important to ask for help when things become too much to handle on your own. Just because we have good skills and good support systems does not mean we can always survive a flood of trouble without professional help. Stay tuned for upcoming profiles of your generation’s mental health strengths! Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.  Even mental health counselors need to manage our mental health, and one of my favorite ways to unwind after a long day is to snuggle my pets and watch some relaxing videos.
That being said, here are five of my favorite channels and what I love about them. I hope you like them, too! Midwest Magic Cleaning - YouTube What I love about this channel: The content creator has so much compassion for people with mental health issues, health conditions, or disabilities that have contributed to their homes becoming extremely messy, especially those homes where the occupants have been hoarding. He discloses in his videos that he’s been diagnosed with autism, and enjoys cleaning and organizing - for FREE for these people who need his services. Sometimes there are curse words, so this may not be suitable for children. Tasting History with Max Miller - YouTube What I love about this channel: Max Miller started his videos while laid off from his job during the pandemic. He combined his love of history with his love of cooking, and voila! He now has a huge following across several social media platforms. He does an excellent job on research and never delves into politics. He makes me want to cook more! (And yes, I bought his cookbook!) Nerdforge - YouTube What I love about this channel: These creators have amazing talent! The first video I ever watched was the one where they made the book cover for The Lord of the Rings, and I’ve been hooked since. They are not afraid to try anything, and show how they do it. Not all videos may be suitable for children. Mountain Rug Cleaning - YouTube What I love about this channel: There’s just something so satisfying about seeing those dirty carpets come so clean. I know, it sounds boring, right? For some of us, though, the white noise of the rhythmic machines and water spraying combined with the slow, repetitive motion of the cleaning is just so soothing. Ze Frank - YouTube What I love about this channel: When I just want to laugh at inappropriate jokes while learning something new, Ze Frank is the go-to guy. His True Facts and Creepy Dave videos get me giggling at the adolescent humor. DEFINITELY not for kids, as these videos are peppered with innuendo. If you have kids and want to share the educational content, though, he does have a playlist for younger audiences. Here’s hoping one or more of the above channels will help you relax, destress, and/or lower your anxiety, too. Please let me know in the comments what your favorite video channels are, and I may use them in an upcoming post. Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.  Through Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), clients are taught “distress tolerance skills”, which are designed, with practice, to help a client lower their overall stress response to upsetting events or reminders. One small part of the distress tolerance puzzle is the category “Activities”. Activities for distress tolerance can be anything that requires the client to think about what they’re doing, or to focus on the task. These activities can be work- or school-oriented, like preparing a presentation or doing homework; chore-related, such as cleaning tasks in the house; or recreational.
In my work with teens and young adults, I’ve discovered that many seem to be missing one of the five basic human needs (according to Glasser): FUN. With that in mind, I’ve developed ways to incorporate fun activities not only into client sessions, but also into client “homework”. When the DBT skill of doing an activity is combined with meeting the Choice Theory/Reality Therapy’s basic need for fun, clients seem to be more actively engaged in sessions. They have something to look at and something to do with their hands, which can put them more at ease, especially in the first few meetings when we’re just getting to know each other. Of course, not every session can be fun. We are sometimes discussing serious and highly personal issues that must be handled appropriately, and in these sessions, I work carefully with clients to help them describe and process their experiences and emotions. We then work together, at the client’s pace, to learn and use the appropriate coping skills for their individual situation. The activities my clients and I do will vary based on the client’s interests, their treatment goals, and on whether we are meeting in person or by video. Below is a list of activities some of my clients have enjoyed both during and after sessions. Please let me know in the comments what you would add to this list, and as always, if you live in Florida and would like to make an appointment, please call or text 863-268-5802 for a free 15 minute consultation. Fun & Functional Activities:
Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.  The last resolution I made is the only one I’ve kept - to stop making New Year’s Resolutions. While the new year is a great opportunity for a fresh start, making a resolution is not always the best idea for long term behavioral change success. The pressure of striving for perfection so as not to “break” our resolutions can be counterproductive, causing us to feel like failures when we make a mistake, but making mistakes is a very human thing to do! So, how do we take advantage of the motivation and inspiration the new year brings, while setting ourselves up for success? It’s as simple and as hard as changing our mindsets. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, we teach clients about the Cognitive Triangle. The Cognitive Triangle (or Cognitive Triad) is a way of picturing how we operate as humans. Each point of the triangle is labeled as either Thoughts, Feelings, or Actions, and arrows indicate the multidirectional influence each of these have on the other. This means that we can influence our own behavior by changing our thoughts and our feelings. We can influence our feelings by changing our thoughts and our behaviors, and we can influence our thoughts by changing our feelings and behaviors. Easier said than done, right? This is why it’s helpful to have a good mental heatlh counselor on your team to help you through the process. We can still make changes on our own as long as we plan ahead, set specific goals, and track our progress - not perfection!
Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.   Ah, the holidays… the universal time of giving thanks, good cheer, peace, family… and pain. Nothing is ever the same after the death of someone we love, and that stark contrast between life “before” and life “after” is never so sharp as in the holiday season. Everyone seems to be happy, while we are stifling the urge to shout, “Stop! How can you go on as if nothing has happened, as if my world hasn’t just ended?”
The year my father died, it was right before Halloween. Although I knew it was coming, it felt like a sucker punch to the gut when it happened. I had a lot of regrets that first holiday season. I regretted not spending more time talking with him and visiting him. I regretted gently teasing him the previous year for the repeated “Happy Thanksgiving” phone calls when the Alzheimer’s caused him to forget that he had already called. I regretted taking it for granted that he’d still be around for a long time. I regretted that I hadn’t asked more questions about his early childhood memories and his grandparents who died before I was born. And that first Christmas without him? That was the first Christmas I didn’t have the heart to decorate. It’s been six years now, and I’ve lost a few more people - some to natural causes, some to suicide. The horror is fresh every time. I am still adjusting to a world without my Dad in it, but the passage of time has brought some healing, some insight, and some new skills with which to handle the grief. Here are some ways that can help you through the holidays:
If you’ve experienced a loss and need help through this time, please contact me to schedule an appointment. I’m here to help. Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here. Image credit: Fostering Forever  Congratulations on adding to your family! Nothing compares to the joy of being a parent - but as we parents know, there are moments when we feel inadequate to the task. When we adopt from foster care, there are resources we can access, at little to no cost to the family.
First Things First While adoption day is a significant and joyful milestone in a family’s life, it can be bittersweet for the child. Yes, they are “officially” a member of the family, but they are also re-experiencing the loss of their biological family. Depending on the age of the child, developmental level, the number of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) they’ve had, and the number of placements they have been in before the adoption, they may have mixed feelings that are expressed behaviorally. Even children adopted at birth may later express feelings of loss, as they had a bond with their biological parents while in the womb. Each time your child was removed from one home and placed in another, they experienced trauma. This is magnified exponentially with each new placement, and is a major contributor to the Foster Care to Prison Pipeline. Common Challenges Traumatized children communicate through their behavior, and yes, that includes teens. Parents sometimes express concern that a well-behaved child has “suddenly” become very poorly behaved when they hit the teen years. This is to be expected, and can be planned for and handled sensitively to guide the child into improved behavior. Some common challenges with kids who have been in foster care are:
Fortunately, with the loving support of parents and knowledgeable counselors, our children can and do make it through these challenges, avoid the pipeline, and become healthy adults. What Do We Do? You may have heard the Nigerian expression “It takes a village to raise a child”, and in this case, it’s certainly helpful to have a supportive community. Parents, however, are the key to success. This is not a situation in which parents can drop a child off for an hour of counseling every week and expect everything to be okay. This is the type of situation in which parenting becomes the remedy. Your effort is a major key to your child’s success. With that understanding, here are my top tips for parenting children who have been traumatized through the foster care system. N.B. This is not a comprehensive list, and is not a substitute for professional mental health counseling.
The most important thing is to put in the time doing the things that will help your child get through these rough patches. Parenting, especially of traumatized children, is different and often not instinctual like we expect it will be before we become parents. Be open to advice from professionals, be patient (it takes time!), and enjoy the experience. You’re building history. Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here.  Imagine being the first police officers or paramedics to arrive on a scene after a child has been the victim of an acid attack, a wife has been killed by her husband in front of their children, or a teen is tearfully reporting the details of a sexual assault.
Imagine being the doctor, nurse, or emergency room staff who treat these victims, or the medical examiners and morticians who respectfully care for a victim’s remains while answering calls from grieving family members. Now imagine having these experiences a few times a month or more, depending on where you live. Imagine doing this over and over while sleep-deprived, under pressure to perform your job to ensure the best possible outcome for the victims, and sometimes putting your own life at stake in the process. The scenarios in the first paragraph come from my own professional experiences as a mental health counselor, and even just hearing the victims tell their stories can lead to vicarious trauma over time - and that’s not even seeing the events as they are happening! Luckily, mental health counselors have an ethical obligation to maintain our own mental health by regularly checking in with our own counselors and maintaining a strong self-care routine. However, those doing battle on the front lines, whether actual military engaged in war or law enforcement and healthcare professionals on the front lines of rescue, often suffer silently. They frequently experience Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), depression, and suicidal ideation, and often attempt to cope with their distress by substance use. They have increased suicide rates, as more die by suicide than in the line of duty (Tiesman et al., 2021). Both the symptoms experienced and the suicide rates occur at rates significantly higher than the general population. Despite this clear indicator of emotional and mental anguish, few in these rescue fields seek mental health treatment. Their reasons for not seeking treatment include, but are not limited to worries about remaining on the job and the lack of providers who understand the first responders’ unique experiences (Luster, 2022). If you are one of these men or women who needs some relief from the despair or wants to build resilience before it happens, from someone who “gets it” a little more than the average provider, please contact me. Your privacy and pain relief are my highest concerns. References Luster, R. (2022, September 9). First responders and mental health: When heroes need Rescuing. Psychiatric Times. Retrieved December 5, 2023, from https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/First-responders-and-mental-health- when-heroes-need-rescuing Tiesman, H. M., Elkins, K. L., Brown, M., Marsh, S., & Carson, L. M. (2021, April 6). Suicides among first responders: A call to action. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Retrieved December 5, 2023, from https://blogs.cdc.gov/niosh-science- blog/2021/04/06/suicides-first-responders/ |
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