Grief and the Holidays

Ah, the holidays… the universal time of giving thanks, good cheer, peace, family… and pain.  Nothing is ever the same after the death of someone we love, and that stark contrast between life “before” and life “after” is never so sharp as in the holiday season.  Everyone seems to be happy, while we are stifling the urge to shout, “Stop! How can you go on as if nothing has happened, as if my world hasn’t just ended?” 

The year my father died, it was right before Halloween.  Although I knew it was coming, it felt like a sucker punch to the gut when it happened.  I had a lot of regrets that first holiday season.  I regretted not spending more time talking with him and visiting him.  I regretted gently teasing him the previous year for the repeated “Happy Thanksgiving” phone calls when the Alzheimer’s caused him to forget that he had already called.  I regretted taking it for granted that he’d still be around for a long time.  I regretted that I hadn’t asked more questions about his early childhood memories and his grandparents who died before I was born.  And that first Christmas without him?  That was the first Christmas I didn’t have the heart to decorate.  

It’s been six years now, and I’ve lost a few more people - some to natural causes, some to suicide.  The horror is fresh every time.  I am still adjusting to a world without my Dad in it, but the passage of time has brought some healing, some insight, and some new skills with which to handle the grief.  

Here are some ways that can help you through the holidays: 

• Pick a close friend or family member and set aside time to share your memories.  People generally want to help, but they don’t know how, and are afraid to bring up your loss for fear of causing you pain.  Asking if you can talk about your loved one, maybe over a meal, helps you acknowledge your loss and gives your loved one the opportunity to support you.  

 

• Schedule a cry.  I know, I know, it sounds silly, and sometimes the idea of catharsis is controversial, but I find that letting it out with a good cry can release the tension that is building up and helps prevent emotional moments at other times.  All it takes is the opening strains of Elvis’ Blue Christmas or Bing Crosby’s I’ll be Home for Christmas, and I’m pulling out the tissues.  

 

• Find a way to honor them in a way they would have liked.  Whether you have that moment alone in silent reverence or with a few close friends or family, raise a glass, plant a tree, go for a hike, make a donation to a cause they supported - any little activity that gives you that moment.  One of my clients would eat at their loved one’s favorite restaurant every year.  Another bought a rosebush in their loved one’s favorite variety and color.  Yet another established a scholarship for single Moms.   

 

• Talk to a professional counselor.  Seriously.  We can help you learn new ways to cope with your new reality and provide a safe place for you to express your full range of emotions.  You can even cuss or ugly cry if needed.    

 

• Practice your faith.  The familiarity of tradition and ritual can be a comfort and provide us with the recognition that some things continue beyond the human lifespan.  Scriptures give wisdom at a time when we are asking questions that sometimes have no answer.   Some clients have had a crisis of faith when their loved one died, but that battle through resulted in peace and a deeper connection with God. 

If you’ve experienced a loss and need help through this time, please contact me to schedule an appointment.  I’m here to help.  

Heidi Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC.  You can read more about her here. ​

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