 If you’ve been on the internet at all, you’ve likely noticed the increase in toxic online behaviors, especially in the last 10 years or so. It’s become such a widespread problem that the National Institutes of Health have even issued an article summarizing a study on the correlation between cyberbullying and teen suicidality. While most of us are aware that correlation does not necessarily equate to causation, the evidence is clear that cyberbullying likely plays a significant role in suicidal ideation for many teens. Cyberbullying’s evil twins, doxxing and cancel culture, have dangerously increased the real-world risk of harm to people, and worse - attempted to justify attacks on others, including violence, through dehumanization and inflammatory rhetoric. What has gone so horribly wrong, so quickly? Moreover, what can we do about it? In this writer’s opinion, mental health and developmental issues are at the core of this complex societal problem. The good news is that by using some of the tools from different types of therapy, we can heal both ourselves and society. Below is a brief list of some of the issues and solutions pulled from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), and Choice Theory/Reality Therapy (CT/RT).  Issue: Incomplete brain development impacting our ability to control our impulses and to think critically. Solution: While we wait for that portion of our brain to fully mature (at around age 25), there are some things we can do to help increase these skills. To increase your impulse control, practice by waiting for something you enjoy. This could be waiting to play a video game until you’ve finished a project (chores, homework, etc.) or waiting 20 minutes after eating before having dessert. Improving our critical thinking skills is essential for all ages to have a happier, more well-adjusted life. It can be harder to do, especially when what we hear or read supports our own beliefs (called confirmation bias), but a good start is to ask ourselves the questions below, paraphrased from CBT. We’ll use this recent article about a female airline pilot whose satirical website, Montecito Minimalist, has brought her some additional income, as well as some online ire.
  Issue: The bullying mindset that drives people to try to “correct” the behavior of someone with whom they disagree. Some common reasons why people bully are emotional trauma, insecurity, poor social skills, learned habit, and lack of empathy. In my opinion, a feeling of powerlessness is also a contributing factor. A recent public example of this is that of Michelea Ponce and Jeannie Beeman. Michelea bullied Jeannie, a 70 year old Target employee, for wearing a Turning Point USA tee shirt while she worked. To her credit, Jeannie handled it gracefully by walking away and refusing to argue. Michelea was subsequently bullied online, with thousands of people reporting her to her employer, calling for her to be fired, and leaving nasty comments. (Michelea later apologized publicly.) Solution: This case is an excellent example of how someone can both be a bully and be bullied. Michelea threatened to report Jeannie to her employer, then was reported to her own employer when the video went viral. What prompted Michelea to bully Jeannie? It may be because she has an external locus of control, meaning that she feels solutions to problems are largely outside of her control. We can see this in the video because Michelea angrily confronts Jeannie with cursing and insults and threats to report Jeannie to her manager. Jeannie, on the other hand, demonstrates an internal locus of control, demonstrated by her calm responses to Michelea and refusing to argue, and means she likely believes that her own actions and efforts directly impact the outcomes in her life. In Choice Theory, William Glasser identifies Power as one of the 5 basic human needs. In this context, Power is defined as achievement or accomplishment. People who have an external locus of control are less likely to feel that their efforts achieve the outcomes they desire, and are therefore not getting this basic human need met adequately. To change our locus of control from external to internal and start meeting our need for achievement, we can start by reminding ourselves of three concepts. The first concept is from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and is called the Circle of Control. In this diagram, we have two concentric circles on a page - similar to a doughnut. The inside, smaller circle is “Things I Can Control”, while the outer ring is “Things I Can’t Control”. Essentially the smaller ring is a list of behaviors and choices that we personally make, while the outer ring represents everything and everyone else in the world. Defining these in writing can help us in making our own choices. The second concept is from Choice Theory and is called The Axioms of Choice Theory. These axioms are popular because they are empowering. They remind us of the tremendous influence we have over our own circumstances and importantly, the things which we need to let go. Lastly, also from Choice Theory/Reality Therapy, is Wubbolding’s WDEP process. Each letter stands for a step in the process individuals can take to make changes in order to reach their desired end goal and can be visualized as 4 questions:
Utilizing the Circle of Control and the WDEP process, we can begin to empower ourselves - leading to happier, healthier lives. Perhaps that’s what Jeannie did when she gave an interview and stated that she did not believe Michelea deserved to lose her job over her unfortunate choice to bully Jeannie that day in Target. Jeannie said, “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”  Issue: Unresolved anger and frustration regarding what others appear to get away with saying. Solution: This is a really tough issue to cope with, as it can feel like we’re not being heard and that what other people are doing is so wrong. Leaving these feelings unresolved can put us at risk of acting violently, whether that’s low-level “traumatize them back” energy or as serious as assassination attempts, like the recent ones on Charlie Kirk and President Trump. There can be many reasons that contribute to unresolved anger, and you’ll likely feel better more quickly if you work with a licensed mental health counselor to help you process the emotions and any underlying trauma that contributes to them. However, a good place to start is with practicing DBT’s distress tolerance skills. Briefly, they are:
When we see something online that makes us angry, it’s important to remember that “two wrongs don’t make a right” and stop ourselves before engaging in these behaviors. If our goal is to reduce the anger, frustration, and pain so many are feeling, these are just a starting point towards eliminating the toxic traits of doxxing and bullying. In a world of Micheleas, let's all be Jeannies. Lastly, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of working with a skilled licensed mental health counselor. The concepts outlined above are a starting point and are in no way a substitute for quality mental health care. For related articles, please check out our previous posts on Charlie Kirk and Surviving Election Season. *We are not affiliated with any of the companies listed, and do not receive any compensation for listing them. In fact, we’re pretty sure they are unaware we exist. Heidi E. Jameson, LMHC is the founder of The Mangroves Seeds of Change, LLC. You can read more about her here. Follow us on Facebook, X, and LinkedIn.
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