On Charlie Kirk, Civil Discourse, and the Politics of Violence

My fellow Americans, 

Like many of you, I was left reeling after the assassination of Charlie Kirk yesterday, the thought of his 1 and 3 year old children growing up without him, and the representative attack on free speech.  I was up most of the night praying about this Turning Point (if you’ll pardon the pun) in our country’s history.  

The reactions from my clients and social circle reflect the division we see exaggerated in the press daily, and run the gamut from shocked grief to gleeful celebration.  This message is to all of us.  

We have lost.  

The Problem

The standards for political discussion, as older generations will remember, were civil discourse and free speech.   These were core values on which liberals and conservatives alike agreed.

Charlie Kirk exemplified the tenets of civil discourse and the exercise of free speech.  He gave the microphone to those who disagreed with him so they, too, could exercise their free speech.  He debated, not argued, facts and values in a rational manner and invited others to debate their own views.  He publicly course-corrected when information he presented previously was proven false, and apologized publicly.  He was unapologetic about his beliefs without shaming others for theirs, despite challenging those with opposing views.  In mental health terms, this is a healthy way to disagree.  

The increasing propensity for violence in our country is complex and has many contributing factors, including but not limited to media irresponsibility, political propaganda, lowered academic achievement, a culture of unaccountability, spiritual corruption, lack of critical thinking skills, and mental health distress.  Experts in these areas will likely be all over the media arguing about the causes and can speak much more competently on these subjects than I can.  Those who know me, however, can attest that I am very much a solutions-oriented clinician.  

Most of us would agree that America is divided today, and as Abraham Lincoln famously quoted from the Bible, “A house divided against itself cannot stand.”  If you agree with that sentiment, you likely agree that America is in trouble.  If we don’t fix us, the United States, last bastion of freedom in the world, will fall - and as America goes, there (often) goes the world.  

The Solution

The solution is beautifully simple, yet incredibly hard.  

It’s you.  You alone can change the trajectory of the nation - perhaps the world.  

In therapy world, we teach people about an internal vs. external locus of control and about the Circle of Control, sometimes called the Circle of Influence.  What these boil down to is this:  The only person we have any control over is ourselves.  Period.  The only way to influence others to change their behavior is by changing our own.  

In Choice Theory/Reality Therapy, Robert Wubbolding, EdD developed the WDEP method of personal problem solving/goal achievement and evaluating results.  Each letter stands for a step in the process individuals can take to make changes in order to reach their desired end goal and can be visualized as 4 questions: 

1. What do I Want? 
2. What am I Doing to get what I want?
3. Evaluate - Is what I am doing effectively working? 
4. Plan - What do I need to do differently to accomplish my goal? 

Applying these four questions to the United States right now, it’s clear that neither side is getting what we want, or we wouldn’t be so angry with each other.  What we’re doing isn’t working, or we would be getting more united, not more divided.  Thus, it’s clear that we need a new plan, and that new plan begins with each individual American.  Will you join me in choosing personal responsibility to work on ourselves to resolve our differences?  Maybe, just maybe, we can heal the country.  

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A New Plan

• Let go of the anger and hurt, and instead practice forgiveness.  Forgiveness Therapy can help when we struggle with letting go of the hurts, especially when the other person doesn’t deserve it.  

 

• Listen to understand, not to argue.  This can be hard when strong emotions are involved, but is essential to bridging the divide between us. 

 

• Set aside emotions and be respectful of others, especially those you consider “wrong”.  Use respectful language and describe the issues calmly and factually without resorting to slurs, assumptions, or derogatory comments.  Hold your friends to the same standard.  When we use disrespectful language, we dehumanize others, eventually resulting in violence.  Violence will only further divide us.  

 

• Be skeptical when it comes to politics and media.  Don’t trust that what you’re seeing is true, especially if it agrees with your confirmation bias.  Check primary sources, watch the whole video or read the whole article for context instead of just the short clip or the headline, and be open to how others might interpret the situation differently.  Remember, neither politicians nor media sources get paid if you don’t vote/click/watch, so they use propaganda and inflammatory language to get you outraged enough to give them your attention and your money.   

 

• Reduce time spent on social media and AI and more time interacting with people in person.  Views = money, and the social media algorithms are designed to keep showing you more of what you click on or spend time viewing.  This gives us a very negative, very inaccurate view of the world.  You may have heard the term “echo chamber” - social media is the ultimate echo chamber.  AI adapts to the information you give it, so it, too, ultimately becomes an echo chamber.  Too much time on social media can also contribute to depression. 

 

• Build up your in-person relationships, expand your social circle to include those who believe differently than you do, and try to reconcile with friends or family you cut off due to politics.  This is good for your mental health and theirs, too.  Relationships are also key to rebuilding our national unity.  If this is a struggle for you, an unbiased licensed mental health provider can help.  

 

• Be flexible.  If we aren’t willing to change our opinions, how can we expect others to do so? 

I leave you with the wise words of Abraham Lincoln, spoken on November 20, 1860: 

“In all our rejoicing let us neither express, nor cherish, any harsh feeling towards any citizen who, by his vote, has differed with us. Let us at all times remember that all American citizens are brothers of a common country, and should dwell together in the bonds of fraternal feeling.”

God Bless America.